Is ROCD Really About My Partner & My Relationship? (w/ Beau)
Today's podcast. We'll be talking about how ROCD and anxiety in your relationship isn't really about your partner or is it? We will be learning all of this to the voice of Beau, a graduate of Awaken into Love. And I am so excited because this podcast has so much good information and I was just so excited to do a podcast with her today.
So just as an update here at Awaken into Love, if you're curious, the last two months have been in transition. I'm actually in the laundry room right now on the floor recording this because as many of you know, we moved, which means we have no furniture and there's a big echo outside of the laundry room. And in the last two months here at Awaken into Love, we've been just doing incredible work in the AIR program, which I can't believe we're already in month three coming up soon.
We've been working on inner child work and parent work understanding our love and our community has been flourishing and growing so much. And I want to remind all of you that the program opens again in December. So if you're interested, please reach out to us now to be put on the waitlist. This is for people who are ready to take their next step in their journey into awakening with themselves and their relationship and the world. And it's been an incredible, transformative, deep, beautiful program. Also on a personal note. My husband got covid, and so we're both at home, which is why you don't hear me with my good mic today. And yes, he is okay. He's doing much better. But I apologize for the sound quality right now. But I wanted to get this information out without having a good mic, because I know that this podcast is really good.
So I'm really excited to introduce you to Beau. She is a really special person and a graduate from the Awaken into Love ROCD course program. And she is from the Netherlands. To be honest, every time I do these interviews, I just feel so honored to be incredibly, to be interviewing these incredible Awaken into Love graduates. Some have been continuing their journey in the AIR program, and it's just been so eye opening and mind blowing to witness their journey. These people I have interviewed and will continue to interview really have dives, is that a word, dove into the work and they've become leaders, some of them ambassadors for others, and I'm just so proud of them and I know that their voices and what they will have to say will inspire and help you. So on today's podcast, as it is an interview podcast, I want to remind you all to remember. But we all have our stories and both stories today don't have to sound exactly like yours, and it won't and it doesn't have to. So I invite you to choose what you want to take and allow it to nurture you and help you in your journey with awakening and love.
Kiyomi: Hi, everyone, and welcome to the Awaken into Love podcast. I am so excited to be here. I am actually with Beau today and Beau is an ROCD course and community graduate. She's been with her partner for about six years and she is just such a wonderful, amazing, amazing person. And I've gotten to know her so wonderfully. And she's volunteered actually just so lovingly to be on the Awaken into Love podcast. And I'm just so excited to have her here. Welcome. I'm so excited to have you.
Beau: Thank you for having me.
Kiyomi: So, so, so excited. We're going to be talking about a lot of really good things today, things that are going to really resonate with you and the big topic around how ROCD is actually about your partner. And I'm just going to have you all just pause for a moment and just think about that, because with ROCD we always think that it has to be about our partner. We have to leave our partner. It's something about them. We have to fix something within them. But today, we're actually going to be diving into how Beau discovered through her journey and is discovering that ROCD isn't really much about her relationship, but a lot about what she's gone through and how she's projected a lot of that. So I believe that this podcast will resonate with so many of you. Beau is such a wonderful person. Just a little bit on her background. She's really into interior design and her leisurely time. She loves walking around the city and finding new coffee spots to drink. And she's actually become really passionate in psychology and healing thanks to the ROCD journey, which you probably Beau didn't think would happen when we all started. Getting so passionate about healing and awakening. And it's something that when we talk, I can just see, like, you know, you get really inspired and excited about.
Beau: I could talk about it for hours.
Kiyomi: You and I Beau, we could do so many podcasts on this and we actually talked about this as well, but this probably will not be our only podcast. There's so much we can go into and so much that Beau continues to discover and awaken. And we'll only be talking about a small portion of this today, but we will get into a lot of really, really good things. So I'm really excited to have you.
Beau: I'm very excited.
Kiyomi: Yay! So what I want to do just for the listeners listening right now, I want to remind you all that as we are listening to other people's stories and they talked a little bit about this on my personal journey as well, there is going to be a tendency to compare. There's going to be a tendency to compare your story and Beau's story. But I'm going to invite you just for this moment as you're listening to just step back for a moment and just become curious. Not all things have to resonate with you, but I would invite you just to take what was helpful for you and take that into your journey, but it doesn't always have to be the same, knowing the ROCD mind and how we can compare. So that's just an invitation that I just invite you as a listener right now throughout this podcast to do and to always, always, always be compassionately curious to yourself and compassionate to yourself for whatever comes up, because it is okay. So what I would love to start doing Beau, is to start kind of like we're going to just go back just a little bit. And, you know, we've done work together, but kind of going back to when the ROCD started, I would love to hear just a little bit about, like the thoughts you had at the beginning of your journey. I'm sure it was all about needing to leave your partner and your partner being wrong or something about your relationship. But if you can kind of step back for a little bit and introspect on your thoughts, what would you say the thoughts were about?
Beau: Yes, so for me, the thoughts began, I think, like two years ago and before that, like now looking back, I noticed that I had ROCD for a longer time, but I was able to rub it off and be like, okay, no, I don't have to listen to those thoughts. And then two years ago, there came a moment where I just really panicked and I got into a panic attack because I wasn't that certain anymore that I was with the right partner. Right now, I know that that's something that will happen to most of us in our lifetime and in our relationships. But at that moment, I was so scared and thoughts were about not feeling enough and not being happy enough and really not knowing what was happening in my body, what those sensations were that I was feeling constantly walking around with like a lump in my throat of fear and waking up with a pit in my stomach because I was so scared that I had to leave. And then those thoughts kind of progressed to or developed to like more specific things. What if he's not attractive enough? What if I'm not attracted all the time? What if I don't miss him enough? What if what if what if what if all those what ifs and I really do think that I've had every thought possible about ROCD, but the most part was just his really big fear of what is happening to me.
Kiyomi: Yes, and I love how you also said something that's so important, which I want to kind of go back to what you said, I had these thoughts that actually most people have. And I'm sure back then when you had the thoughts, you didn't think that it was something that people have. Right. There's so much kind of shame around it and there's a lot of stigma around it. But you said that these are thoughts that most people have. And now that you kind of have that understanding, how is it for you kind of having understanding that, okay, these are really normal thoughts that people have, but with ROCD, it just becomes more intense. But kind of looking back, how does kind of looking back at how it used to be, how does that resonate with you now,
Beau: I really just want to say that I still have those thoughts, but they don't blow up anymore. Yeah. They really, really, really used to blow up and they would get in the way of my everyday life. They would really control my day. And I would be constantly trying to figure out if they were true, if my thoughts were the truth, if I had to follow my thoughts, if I had to act on my thoughts and I just didn't have any sense of trust or security or anything in myself, which also scared me, because not having that trust and not having that security, what on earth could happen to me and to my relationship? Yes, and that really scared me as well.
Kiyomi: Yeah, that trust and security is such a big thing that a lot of people experience with ROCD where maybe they're going about their life and they feel pretty, pretty okay and grounded. Then ROCD comes up and then they start to feel as though they don't have anything that they can lean on to like we can't lean on to our thoughts anymore. We can't lean on to your feelings. And I know that you went through such a painful, painful, painful experience. And something that was interesting that you and I talked a little bit about that I want to go into, was that even though it was so painful, you feel as though ROCD had to happen to you. Why did you say that? Why do you feel as though it had to happen to you? Looking back now.
Beau: Yeah, looking back, it's quite funny, actually, I never thought that ROCD would be something that could help me because I'm in the midst of it and I'm sure. Listening, who has ROCD experiences, I actually can relate. It's such a painful experience because you lose all sense of self in a way. You lose your identity or the identity you thought you had. It gets really attacked by the ROCD. And what happened to me was I started working on ROCD when I found Awaken into Love and I started working on myself and doing the inner work and realizing that ROCD wasn't that much about trying to control my relationship, trying to control my partner, or trying to control myself in the relationship with more of trying to heal wounds that I had and trying to challenge certain ways of thinking and trying to be a different kind of person in a way than I was before. And what I said about I think ROCD had to happen to me was, there were so many things that I was doing and thinking and saying in my relationship with my boyfriend, but also with others that were so not helpful for me in my life and so not helpful for those relationships, so very controlling behaviors and also like being I'm not really jealous, but also being a bit like not very trusting of other people. There was a lot of fear in the sense of every relationship that I had and I wasn't aware of those things. I'm aware of it now and I know that the ways I was acting then and the things I was asking and expecting for my relationships were not realistic. And they were just harming me and the people around me in a way. And ROCD really showed me like, hey, what you're doing is not helping you, and sometimes I feel like ROCD was there to say, okay, I'm going to come up so you're going to start doing the inner work to find out that this is not going to help for you and you need to do something else.
Kiyomi: I see it really as like when I say to maybe you've heard me say this before to our members and to my clients, that ROCD is kind of like a bell, like a suffering bell to kind of just not even gently, it's aggressive. ROCD is not gentle. The poetry goes gently, but to remind us to come back into our wholeness and our wholeness is really, exactly what you're talking about. The wholeness really is, okay, these beliefs aren't working for me, and I'm going to shed them and work with them in order for me to come to a greater part of myself. So you did talk a lot about healing and about kind of like discovering a lot of these things. And I know you've done incredible work around it, but what were some things that really stood out for you, especially with learning about your childhood or even your inner child and wounding? Because I know you said that, you know, when you did this healing, you discovered, wow, this doesn't really have to do with my relationship, but more about my inner child and kind of the work of my childhood. So what are some things that you felt that you discovered or were some things that really, really stood out for you in this journey?
Beau: So one thing that immediately comes to mind is the fact that only I think only like half a year ago I noticed how much of my emotions and my feelings I was pushing away. I was so afraid to feel anything other than happiness, anything other than intense happiness or intense sadness. And those were the things that I knew. And that might sound strange to people who don't have the same experience or who don't experience ROCD. But for me, happiness felt very safe and sadness felt very safe. And that's something that came to mind when I was working through ROCD as there are so many more emotions than just happiness and sadness. And I'm pushing them away because I'm afraid that there's danger in those feelings. There's danger in those emotions. For example, feeling disconnected from my boyfriend was a big, big, big thing. That was something that was really keeping me stuck in ROCD wanting to control this experience of finding more connection, Googling stuff. How can I feel more connected? How can we reconnect after a moment of disconnection? Whereas actually those moments of disconnection don't carry danger with them. They're not dangerous like a healthy relationship that I was in or that I am in. It isn't dangerous and it's so normal to feel those things, and it's only recently that I discovered that those feelings are okay to feel and that they're safe to feel.
Kiyomi: I would say to like within that which I love that you brought up, where you said that it was either happiness or it was sadness, right. That was comfortable for you and people with ROCD. And also trauma will kind of go into that really fall in the lines of like black or white or extremity, because they've also grown up in chaos where if they have a sense of happiness, they feel secure because they know what it is. If they have a sense of sadness and they feel secure because they know what it is. Some people with ROCD are also terrified and this might resonate maybe in some way Beau, but I'm actually really terrified of just peace or just like an underlying thing of contentment. And some people are terrified of happiness because they're either afraid that it's going to get taken away from them or they can't rely on it because something could have happened in the past that could have been like, well, the happiness is actually not safe, it's not okay. So a lot of people will come to realize and they know the work that we've done, you know, they're really afraid of different parts of exactly what you said of feeling different things within themself. Right. And I think for you, you talked a little bit about neutrality or feeling neutral or feeling disconnected or feeling anything other than happiness or sadness, but kind of doing the work around that and kind of bringing back to the topic of realizing that it's not about your partner. What in some ways do you feel could have contributed to not feeling safe from those other feelings other than happiness or sadness?
Beau: I definitely think that in my past, like growing up, the feelings of happiness, let's say just the feeling of happiness was very much encouraged. So as a child, my parents were doing everything to make me happy, which is so loving and so kind of them. But at the same time, I do think that trying to keep a child happy in such a way also communicates the fact that other feelings than happiness are not okay and they're not safe. And that for me, was a big realization during this work, knowing that actually when I was crying or when I was like stressed out or just feeling dull or not that okay at a moment, that those feelings were not exactly repressed, but they were they were trying to they my parents were trying to take those away from me because they loved me and they didn't want me to feel bad and they didn't want me to feel sad. But then, I did get this message as a child, like it's not okay to feel sad, it's not okay to feel anything other than happiness and being I really do feel like I'm quite a people pleaser. So I really try to be the best for everyone, which is also something I realized during his work. But I really do think as a child, I was like that as well, and I was really trying to please my parents and seeing that they were hurt by me feeling hurt I was trying to not feel that way and to just feel happy and like this perfect little child, and that's something that I do, everything contributed to the fact that I'm now having a hard time feeling all emotions.
Kiyomi: It's amazing how much your childhood really, really impacts everything that goes on in our present day life and how it can really our inner child can kind of start to rule it, especially the wounding parts, until we start to become aware, until we start to become awake. And I know that you've had so much profound awakening with that, you know, just with the work and everything that, you know, you're doing. And there's something that I want to bring up, which I feel is super important that I think people really resonate with, which is you saying that your parents did the best that they could. And I know that, you know, you and I spoke and you said that when you read stuff about with and to love and we talk about trauma, you'd be like, wait, I didn't really have, you know, much trauma or big trauma. Can you talk just a little bit more about that? Just because some people do reach out to us and they say, hey, like, I don't feel like I've had trauma. My parents did the best that they could. You know, I. I feel as though I had a perfect childhood. And you said a little bit about that. So I would love to go into that a little bit more about trauma and how, you know, the things in childhood really do affect us, even though it doesn't seem profoundly big and how that's actually a really big source of the ROCD.
Beau: Yes, so trauma for me or to me always sounded like this big thing that should have happened or would have happened to you, that would really, really impact your life. And I always thought, like, trauma is something that, you know, has happened like a car accident or going to war or abuse. Those are things in my life that I thought were traumatic events and they are. But I didn't know that there is so much trauma that is unconscious that you don't even know has happened. And when you get a certain awareness of, oh, trauma doesn't always have to be this big thing, this super big trauma, you get this awareness of the little things that turned out to not be so little. And I had a lot of those things. I really came across a lot of trauma and wounds from my childhood. Yeah.
Kiyomi: Would you be able to give us an example of something in your childhood you don't have to be specific at all, but just like, you know, just an occurrence happened or something that kept going on that you actually projected to your partner and it caused the ROCD.
Beau: Let me think. I do really think that in my relationship, especially with my parents getting to a certain age around like eleven, twelve-ish, that age was an age for me that I was developing myself and my sense of self. And I really remember having moments where I would be like thinking about my parents and their relationship and I really took everything to heart, which was just, I think, a characteristic of mine and like moments there where I'm where my parents would be fighting, for example, would be at that moment, I would think, okay, they're just fighting this, okay, it will pass. But right now, when I'm working through stuff, I really do know this, that so much of the things that I've learned come from this idea that, for example, conflict isn't safe or that conflict is not something that could happen in a loving way or in a way where you still love the other person. I remember moments sitting on the stairs listening to my parents fighting, and it's just the saddest thing ever to rethink those experiences, to relive them. But at the same time, it was necessary for me to get this awareness of how those experiences were or how those memories really affected me and like projecting this on my partner would look like not wanting to have conflicts and feeling very unsafe in conflicts and really having these some people would call them irrational fears. But I think if you have gone through that kind of trauma, it's not really irrational. But those irrational fears of if we have conflict, then will break up or if we have conflict, then he doesn't love me anymore. And I remember confessing those things to my partner when I was in the midst of ROCD. And he would be like, of course, I'm not going to leave. You were just talking through these things and also through Awaken into Love, I have noticed so much about how relationships really work, like how they really can be. And really that was a very big thing. In the first part of healing. ROCD was just learning about what relationships look like with healthy relationships, which was such a new thing to me.
Kiyomi: And I think that when we come to realize, too, that we weren't taught really healthy relationships, even though we've been in a healthy relationship. Right. And it is our mind and our trauma that is projecting a lot of these obsessive thoughts and anxieties because we don't even know how to be okay in a healthy relationship because we mirror that or we didn't grow up. And you said something that I think a lot of people would resonate with, which is like around conflict. A lot of people get really scared about conflict. Some people actually thrive on conflict because it gives them a sense of chaos, which gives them a sense of thrill and excitement. And sometimes people will, like, actually create chaos in an unconscious way. When I remind everyone unconsciously, you're not doing it consciously, purposely and an unconscious way to create feelings of excitement and feelings of just that adrenaline so they can feel something. And so if they have a conflict, they may push their partner and then they feel that infatuation again. So there can be a lot of that. But what you said really is so important, which is you start to really recognize that so much of what you were bringing into your already healthy relationship was beliefs about how to work and be okay in a healthy relationship. What does that look like for me? And then also a lot of stuff that you brought from your childhood, which we all do. And it's really that uncovering that you talked about or that awakening coming forth of. Oh well, there's stuff here from my childhood and resonating with that. So something that I wanted to talk about was when you started doing this work, when you started to kind of go into the awakening and Awaken into Love. We, of course, at Awaken into Love do talk about our parents and childhood. Did you experience any guilt or any shame? Because I know you brought up like I had an incredible childhood. It was really incredible. My parents did the best that they could, which is true. I want to remind everyone of that, too. But did you have any guilt when talking about, you know, the difficult things that you went through as a child?
Beau: Definitely. Especially in the first stages. I really do think. And also like I still really do experience it sometimes this sense of at the same time, feeling as though they did the best they could, but at the same time knowing that there were some mistakes they made and there were some things that they could have done better. And I felt immense guilt too, for example, talking about my mom and saying, like, well, she did the best she could, but maybe this could have been better. I felt so wrong for saying that. And also because I've been with therapists like three different therapists and I've talked to them, to all of them about childhood and childhood wounds and trauma. And all of them would constantly say, well, your parents did the best they could. And I do believe they did. I really do believe so, but during my work with ROCD, it just wasn't helpful for me anymore to hold on to this idea that they did the best they could. I I had to make room for this other idea that, okay, they did the best they could, but they also did some things that caused me trouble later in life. Which caused me false beliefs or things that I need to work through right now, but they didn't do it on purpose. They didn't do it with the intention to hurt me and. What really helps me in that sense is and I've learned that from you, but what really helps me is saying, the past is gone now. It has happened and I'm aware that they could have done better in some points, but I'm here now and I don't have to please them anymore or I don't have to hold on to this belief that they were the perfect parents because none of us are perfect, really. And it really gives a freedom or a sense of freedom to just be thankful and at the same time feel like, okay, this is sad that I experienced this or this is sad, like really holding both emotions is very hard to learn, but it's really freeing, I feel.
Kiyomi: I was just going to say that that's such a profound part of your own healing because you spoke about not being able to hold different types of emotions or just having sadness and happiness and being okay with that. But now you're at this point where you're like, okayK, this is still hard. And I also think that your nervous system is starting to look for you a little bit safer and safer. And your inner child is as well. But to start being able to hold that feeling of, okay, my parents did the best that they can, but I can also feel hurt. I can also feel angry. I can also feel betrayed. But I can also, you know, feeling gratitude as well and having that the mixing of that and something psychologically that I kind of want to go over which Alexis talks about a lot is that when we hold our parents in such a high pedestal and we deem them to be perfect in any way and we feel as though they can't make mistakes or we feel guilty, then we are going to project the same feelings onto our partner when they are not perfect and start to go into guilt as well. So I'm sure you saw that Beau with you, where in the beginning you were like, oh, you know, I feel guilty for feeling this way about my parents and maybe feeling guilt every time. You also felt that way about your partner. Does that resonate?
Beau: Definitely, yeah. It was definitely a journey as well to learn that nobody is perfect. And I really also have to believe that I was perfect in many ways, which is something I had to let go of. And it might sound strange, but this idea of letting go of the idea that your partner is perfect can be quite challenging because the media are constantly saying, like, you have to find the perfect partner and they have to be like this and like this and like that and such and such and. I just came to realize that he isn't all that and I'm not all of that, and I can can I will never be like that. And it really took some time for me to let go of those things. And right now, I'm like at this point that I'm okay with him not being perfect and I'm okay with me not being perfect. And I actually quite love it. I really do think that loving someone who is not perfect is so much more beautiful than loving someone who is because it's harder to love someone when they're not perfect, just like it's hard to love yourself and your imperfections. And that's something I really learned through ROCD. But that deepens your relationships with yourself, but also with your partner.
Kiyomi: So a lot of ways it gave you freedom. And I'm assuming it actually caused greater connection and a greater sense of friendship and love with you and your partner when you started to let go and work on letting go of this idea of perfection. And we start to kind of come into this place of, oh, my God, I've been holding my partner and myself. Oh, my God. Just thinking about this, too, when we hold ourselves in such a high state of I'm perfect or I need to be, it's exhausting. And then we do that for the whole world. And, you know, that comes down to us realizing while we've been holding a lot as we're doing this work in ROCD really teaches us that.
Beau: Yeah, definitely, and it's also this idea of like believing that in some ways you're perfect yourself. I really hold on and hold on to that idea of like I'm perfect at communication or I'm perfect at doing this or doing that and holding on to those beliefs. I just didn't have any room for growth. And right now, knowing that that's not true, I'm not perfect and I will never be. But there still is room for me to grow. It's just so much more empowering. It's so much more. It gives you a sense of motivation and freedom and peace, because you don't have to keep up with that perfection all the time, you can choose to like what you always say to grow and let go and to do the work and let go. Whereas if you really believe you're perfect, then you have to be perfect all the time. Otherwise it's not perfect. And that really was a freeing experience growing in that sense of letting go of perfection and the idea that I would be perfect in a way.
Kiyomi: Some people, too, might be listening to this and being like, okay, well, I don't think I'm perfect, but still have perfectionism tendencies and perfectionism is a huge part of people who have ROCD. And it's this idea of if I can be perfect, that I'm loved. And it really comes down to inner child work of if I'm perfect, that I'm valued, then Iām loved and that I'm okay. And it seems as though the work that you've been doing a lot of is an inner child work, which comes down to it's okay also for me to make mistakes. It's okay for me to not need to be perfect and it's okay for me to be so freeing. Right? To not to not be in that. But I will say it is definitely a journey of getting there. It's like even for me, like I still have perfectionism tendencies. Absolutely. Because perfectionism in a lot of ways is a coping mechanism. It's a way that we can if we have if we're perfect and we have things perfect, then I have control. I have certainty in that way, too. So what I'm really curious about which I know that you've done a lot of healing and done a lot of this work, is looking back on when you first started having ROCD, when you were starting to do the inner work, how you feel like you thought healing was going to look is how it looks now and the difference between that. How do you feel as though it is different and not what you thought it was going to be?
Beau: So I was just reading through my notebooks that I still keep, but the ones that I kept when I was like in the beginning stages of ROCD and also when I knew about Awaken into Love as well. And I noticed this pattern of chasing the good moments. So chasing the moments of freedom from ROCD and chasing those moments of connection. And I would remember that all of my gratitude journaling would be about, oh, I'm so grateful that I got this amazing moment with my boyfriend today and every little note that I made was about how happy I was that I was feeling moments of freedom from ROCD and looking back now, I notice that isn't like doing the hard inner work, so that's not to say that, of course, you should celebrate those moments. Of course, it's amazing to have a moment of connection. I still think it is. But celebrating those moments so intensely to me actually communicated to my brain, I really feel like this idea, that moment of this connection and moments of ROCD were like not okay and they weren't safe. And what I didn't think the journey would look like was making room for every experience I've really noticed myself going into. But if this is this normal that I'm feeling like this and is it normal that I'm feeling like this? And what if this isn't normal and in the end, looking back now, I didn't realize that the healing journey would be a way of accepting that everything is normal, like anything you could imagine. I really didn't expect that I, I knew that, okay, radical acceptance is a thing, but I didn't think it would look like radical acceptance. I didn't think it would look like accepting anything. Okay, and that that's not to say like I don't mean like bad behaviors or toxic toxic things or red flags, but like any experience emotionally and in relation to my boyfriend, like this connection and connection, I had to experience all of it and I had to accept all of it and to make my peace with all of it. And I really thought in the beginning that the healing journey for ROCD would look like trying to figure out a way to get certainty, so the rumination part and the reassurance seeking part and so much of my early healing journey looked like gaining reassurance in a very sneaky way or trying to ruminate in a very sneaky way or journal in a way that I would get certainty. And so those moments that I would write down, those moments of connection, really were for me like this reassurance of, see, there is something left here. There is some good stuff left. And it was just looking back now, it's so amazing to see how much I've grown and also to see how different it is, because it's much more about doing real deep inner work, working through childhood wounds and trauma and. Just letting every emotion be there and feeling it in your body, meditating for me was a very big thing and I never thought that I would be doing that. But, yeah, I think that's the difference.
Kiyomi: Do you feel like a really big surprising thing about the healing journey also was realizing that it wasn't really about your relationship and your partner?
Beau: Definitely the first part was so much focused, in what ways is this relationship good? In what ways is it not good? Like also this division between good or bad, this black and white thinking. It really felt as if my brain was split in half. And I had this one voice saying it's good and in one voice saying, no, this relationship is bad and you should do something about it. And the other one said, no, but I don't want to leave. And it was like constant chaos in my mind and then finding out that it was not my partner. But more about just the way this. This human experience of emotions is something to be accepting of yourself, like this way of accepting yourself as human and stepping into your wholeness, I really didn't think that that would be like the big thing, the big thing, the big takeaway that I would learn.
Kiyomi: So stepping into your wholeness, I love that you brought that up because most people come into doing this work, are we going into love? And they're like, I am scared of doing the work because I'm scared of finding out that I'm going to have to leave. Did you have any of those thoughts? I'm going to find out or I'm going to find out the truth or anything like that.
Beau: So many times. Yeah. And it also makes me a bit angry as well, like seeing some people on Instagram, for example, or and on YouTube who are also doing this kind of OCD coaching or like who are Awaken into Love, but who are different coaches. So many of them, like they advertise themselves with this quote to find out now if you should be with your partner or if it's really ROCD. And that's such a really not cool thing to say because you really won't find certainty. You know, there still are days that I think it was really ROCD? And that's a very sad experience, but, yeah, if you look if you you can you can think endlessly about the fact if something is ROCD or if it isn't, and if you really are healed or if you aren't and those black and white things, I find it's so sad to see. That some people, some coaches, really try to, like, get people to them by saying, like, you will get your certainty here because I hope that I would get certainty that I didn't. But I found this feeling of groundedness and this feeling of security and of trust in myself. And that's so much more valuable than some kind of certainty that is like an illusion in itself.
Kiyomi: Yeah, so how do you feel as though that groundedness and that trust in yourself has helped your relationship? I mean, how do you feel as though that work of getting there is actually that ROCD work? Right, like with Awaken into Love, we love, obviously, using ROCD as a path toward our wholeness and our awakening. But how do you feel like doing all this deeper work, as you found out, doesn't really have to do with your partner. Your relationship has still really helped your relationship and even just the love you have with your partner.
Beau: Yes. So ROCD like the moments that I was experiencing are shitty and didn't know that it was ROCD. Those were the periods that were the hardest I feel are not maybe not the hardest, but they were very hard and especially hard on my relationship and hard on my boyfriend because I really did believe that there was something wrong with us. I really did believe there was something wrong with me. There was something wrong with my boyfriend. He had to change. I had to change. We had to do everything. And it brought so many tendencies to control and to change each other and to like be this thing that we weren't. And working through ROCD really helped me to create more peace and to have more acceptance toward him, also toward myself. And it really also healed like this big thing called codependency. I still have tendencies to be codependent sometimes, and I know that it will take a long time to reach a place, if ever, of interdependency. But now I also know that that's something any couple can struggle with. It's not exclusive to ROCD. It's not like whenever I'm experiencing codependency, I'm not thinking, oh, ROCD is back, because this is just a tendency that any human can experience. And I think knowing that and having that awareness brought so much peace and so much more this feeling of empowerment of I can work on myself, I don't need him to do anything for me other than be a healthy, loving partner. And that really, really is so much different than it used to be when I was experiencing ROCD and also before I was really having hard, hard times with ROCD, even before ROCD, I was so codependent. I was so controlling. I was so fear driven in a way. And now that's getting to a point where there is so much more peace, it's just a safe haven, our relationship, like it's a it's we always and my boyfriend and I always called each other our safe little home. So whenever you're feeling scared or whenever we're feeling sad or anything, we're like, I'm glad I can go to my safe little home. And that's a bit of what it feels like. And not all the time. It's all it's like it's this spectrum, really. You feel anything.
Kiyomi: So beautiful. I love everything that you said, literally. Also, just like witnessing just how far you've come and I know I say this a lot, is just because they so much like my members and the clients of like, oh, I remember when we just met and hearing you in this podcast and the profound it just gives me goosebumps. It gives me such body chills and just the work I'm sure that you've recognized now recognize the inner work that you've done and how much that work is so loving and is such a profound act of love to you and your partner, but also how much you just doing your inner stuff really creates so much change in the relationship. And I think that people get so tripped up on that. And I think that that's just a really big mission with Awaken into Love, which is, you know, doing our inner healing work and how much that just starts to shift the way we see relationships and also change the way our partner sees us, too, you know, and just like a profound way. And I find that to be fascinating. So beautiful. So I just want to just for the listeners, because this is so much good, good, good, juicy stuff, profound stuff, transformative stuff. And I feel like you and I could just keep talking forever and ever and just talk about healing and just the process and just all these things that you learned. But what is maybe one thing, one really powerful thing that you would like to leave off just in terms of your own awakening and healing, as you've really realized that this isn't about your relationship, but more about, you know, what's going on within your own wounding.
Beau: So what comes up for me is I really remember myself being in the midst of it, like being in the midst of ROCD and really experiencing having experiences and having days where I think what on earth was I thinking about before I got ROCD. Like, my thoughts would only be ROCD, it would only be obsessive thoughts. And I know that in those moments it can feel so incredibly hard to imagine yourself in a different light, to imagine yourself in a different space or in a different way of being. It's very hard to imagine. And it's also very hard to explain what it's like to have awakened and to be on this place in my healing journey where I'm secure and grounded, it's hard to explain what it feels like because being in the midst of ROCD, you really strive to feel more connection, to feel certain, to feel anything other than ROCD. And what it comes down to for me is really trusting the process and trusting anything that comes up to be safe and that you're safe and anything that you feel and also that it will take time, and that's maybe a bit of a sad thing to say, but it takes time. And what helped me was knowing that, okay, it will take time so I can give myself more time. I can give myself more time to heal. I don't have to be healed tomorrow. I won't be. Like, I won't be healed tomorrow. I don't know if I will ever be fully healed, and that's not to say that I will experience heavy ROCD forever. But that's the state that so much of what we're experiencing with ROCD is so human that our brains just blow up at every single thought. And creating a safety inside yourself, it sounds a bit vague, but creating a safety and this knowing that whatever happens, you're safe inside yourself. Was such a big thing for me, and I couldn't do that without help. I couldn't do that without Kiyomi, without Awaken into Love, I, I just couldn't. And I'm so grateful that I found this way to create a safety inside myself, like this container of safety, they call it at Awaken into Love. And it really does feel like that. It's something you can really explain, but it's something that's really worth the work. It's really worth to work to treat yourself and your fears as if it's your child, your little child, and it's so much easier to have compassion for an innocent child who didn't choose anything that happened to them, but who now chooses to work through the things that happened to them, and I think that's such an empowering thing that really helped me. So I know it sounds a bit fake, but I think that's the biggest part of my healing, was having that compassion and seeing the fear as innocence, seeing it as something that helps me. And it shows me the ways that I can take better care of myself and my relationship.
Kiyomi: So beautiful. I just have nothing even, you know, throughout this, I know the listeners can't see the both of us, but just nodding my head in complete 100 percent agreement. And I think that that's such a big piece of it, it's like you can't put your finger on how to even explain it. And we try our best. And, you know, it's really coming back into our wholeness, which at Awaken into Love, we believe is just our innate quality. It's our innate quality to be in this wholeness and to be back into that. And it is our birthright to heal. It is our birthright to awaken. We all have that ability. No one is exempt from it. And sometimes that can feel scary. Sometimes it can feel resistance can come up with that because there's healing in that. But sometimes it can be really empowering too. When you were such an incredible example, every day as I witness you, not every day, don't see every day I wish, but like every, every, you know, every time I see you like you're deeper and deeper awakening and growth. And I know that you're very, so very inspiring for so many people. So thank you so much for sharing your story. So appreciate you, Beau. You're amazing. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you so much.
Beau: I appreciate you too.
Kiyomi: Thank you Beau. So that was it for today's podcast. If you would like more information on our work, you can always visit us at www.awakenintolove.com. We have a lot of amazing free information and also programs as well. And we are here to help you and your relationship. Lots and lots of love, everyone. As always, YANA, you're not alone. And until next time, here's to being human, everyone!