Sexual Orientation OCD / HOCD
In this post, I am going to be talking about Sexual Orientation OCD in relation to ROCD. The reason as to why I'm doing this post, even though we are ROCD and relationship based, is because a lot of clients with ROCD also have HOCD.
Why? Because the most common form that people experience with ROCD is Sexual Orientation OCD.
I will explain in this post why it’s so common in people with ROCD and the underlying core fears behind the HOCD. Sexual Orientation OCD is not about questioning your sexuality or repressing your true orientation in fear of others' opinions. If you are watching this video and you do not have OCD, then this is completely separate.
I also want to say that I know with Awaken into Love, we say that “love is a choice” all the time. I want to apologize first and foremost if this has caused any confusion in the LGBTQ+ community, as I am not saying that sexual orientation is a choice. Not at all. What I am saying is that aside from sexual orientation, you get to choose your partner and that it’s not based on feelings.
First, to Clear up Confusion…
It doesn’t matter what gender or sexual orientation you label yourself as. However, Sexual Orientation OCD happens most commonly to those who identify as straight, bisexual, or gay. I would also say that it can happen to other orientations as well, but it has been most commonly seen through our clients & course members as those three.
What is Sexual Orientation OCD?
Sexual Orientation OCD is having fear and anxiety about your sexual orientation. In addition to fear and anxiety, this OCD most commonly comes with shame and guilt as well.
Common thoughts:
“What if I’m gay/straight?”
“What if I’m attracted to another orientation opposite from my partner’s?”
“What if i’m not attracted to my partner because I’m really gay?”
“Even if I’m bi, what if I should be with the sex opposite of my partner?”
“What if I’m in denial about my sexuality?”
“What if I have acted in the past of something opposite, or will in the future because of these thoughts?”
And other thoughts around sexual orientation.
Compulsions can include:
Checking to see how you feel about someone opposite from your partner. This could be looking at photos, looking at people on the street, and watching porn.
This checking could include thinking of other people and seeing if you’re sexually aroused or stimulated because of it. (This checking can also create sexually satisfying feelings or “arousal” because of the checking - very similar to how a person will check if they’re feeling in love and then not feel it because they are checking. When we put attention to something that we DON’T want to feel, then more of what we DON’T want will manifest)
This could also be checking other peoples’ gender parts to see if one is aroused.
Obsessing over the past and thinking of interactions you may have had with other people to determine your sexual orientation. This could also include having stern facts and thoughts, such as: “You are gay!” or “You liked this person, that means you’re gay!” and obsessing about this.
Googling to see what category you really fit into.
Googling other people’s story to see if they resemble what you’re feeling.
Asking for reassurance from other people to see if you’re gay/straight/bi or not.
Avoiding certain situations that can trigger sexual orientation thoughts.
Avoiding seeing people who are gay, straight, etc.
And other compulsions that resemble an individual checking their feelings when going through Relationship OCD. Common behaviors relate to checking, spiraled and followed by fear and anxiety. The basis is trying to figure out for 100% certainty whether one is something or not.
Now, due to the nature of obsessive thoughts, and us wanting certainty and needing an infinite answer, this can muddle our thinking of ourselves, create a separation, and make us think we are something that we aren’t. This is the same with ROCD. The more we are thinking of our partner and how we feel, the more we create a separation from our true selves.
Before moving forward, I want to give you all some education on being human, because we believe that this is important. Not as a compulsion, but as a way to educate the community on this life and being human. What I want to say is that at Awaken into Love, we believe that people are on a spectrum, which can feel really scary for people who experience ROCD. Why? Because they might think, “Well, what if I do lie on a spectrum and I need to leave?” That’s not what we’re saying. We’re saying this: We need to remember that being attracted to or finding another person attractive does not mean that you’re of a different sexual orientation. It just means that we’re human, and we find people and things in life attractive. This can be the same for your own enjoyment around what’s arousing to you. I get messages all the time of people shamefully saying, “I find woman-to-woman porn attractive and get turned on by that porn, does that mean I’m gay?” First of all, attraction, finding others attractive, and getting turned on by porn does not qualify you as being or needing to be with another sex. It’s okay to find intimacy attractive and stimulating.
The part where Sexual Orientation OCD comes in is when people start to have intrusive thoughts surrounding sexual orientation, which starts to provoke extreme fear and anxiety. Instead of allowing the thoughts, the mind goes go to: “How do I stop these thoughts?” “Why are these thoughts coming up, does that mean I’m gay?” accompanied by anxiety and fear. There can also be fear that having these thoughts could make a person actually gay, which is magical thinking. With ROCD and Sexual Orientation OCD, the more we suppress and resist the thoughts, the stronger they get, which is why radical compassion and wisdom is paramount to healing. I also do want to add, however, that the backdoor spike can arise. This is when a person may not experience anxiety about the thoughts anymore, leading them to believe that their thoughts must simply be the “truth,” and that since they are not anxious enough, they must have just been in denial beforehand.
For some, they have been taught from a young age that being certain sexual orientations is bad. Luckily, we are moving into a culture where sexual fluidity is becoming more accepted, although it is still extremely painful for many. If we have been taught that being different sexually is bad, then there can be more obsessive thinking and shame around these thoughts.
When adding this component to ROCD, you can imagine that Sexual Orientation OCD is most prevalent. This is because if one was not the orientation they said they were, or were attracted to a person aside from their partner, then what would fear say? Fear would say that you need to leave your partner or lose your partner. This is why Sexual Orientation OCD is so similarly tied to Relationship OCD. The ROCD core fear is losing a partner, and being a different sexual orientation would ultimately mean one would have to leave, which is why HOCD is so strong in people with ROCD. Getting 100% certainty is what OCD craves, because it gives certainty to a situation without ambiguity.
Some Actions You Can Take
Try not to feed into compulsions and take a different route. Note where your compulsions are. What are you doing as a compulsion? Reassurance seeking? Avoidance? Checking? Really be honest with yourself. Reassurance seeking is a sneaky one that people dismiss. Who are you talking to HOCD about? How many times do you speak to them? Are you constantly Googling? BE HONEST.
Remember that Sexual Orientation OCD, just like ROCD is not you. You are separate. The AWE technique is something that I show in my course which can be immensely helpful for these situations.
Tackle the obsessive thoughts first. You do not need to find out if you are gay or not because the OCD will taint that. Work with the obsessions, anxieties, shame, and guilt, and unravel from there.
Massive radical compassion and wisdom are essential in this. Cognitive work can be so very helpful and same with exposure work. If you’re in the Awaken into Love course for ROCD, you can still use the same techniques that we use in the course for ROCD.